Indignities of the Male Kind

I like to pull the “I’ve had a baby so suck it up,” card a lot with Matt. Basically, half the time it’s not serious and he’s over reacting, and the other he tends to get hurt/sick at really annoying times. Like getting his appendix taken out 2 days before our daughter’s huge class birthday party at a roller rink. So freaking inconsiderate.

I have a headache; I can’t bladdy blah blah blah, right now.

 Suck it up, I went through hours and hours of labor without drugs, you can deal with a headache, wuss

 Ugh, I think I’m passing kidney stones; can you drive me to the ER?

 I mean, yeah, let me get dressed, put on some make up, get the kids dressed, pack some snacks and activities for the kids and then we can head over at a leisurely pace, since this will be the second time you’ve asked me to drive you in 12 hours and last time you refused to get out of the car because you felt better when we got there. DON’T YOU DARE PUKE IN MY CAR!!! Here, take this bowl with you and suck it up.

 I cut the tip of my finger off, can you drive me to get stitches.

 UGH, fine. You know I wouldn’t go in, I’d just apply pressure and then butterfly bandage the siz-nits out of it, but if you’re such a wuss you can’t suck it up, I’ll take you in.


Sympathy is not my strong point, ok.

So, when Matt started complaining about what amounts to a swollen left testicle, something that’s happened before last year (not sure if it was the left in that case, it doesn’t really matter I guess), I just told him to make an appointment and proceeded to poke said nut just to see him scream.

We were pretty confident it was from a condition I like to call pussy butt. That’s what mature 30 year olds do.

Matt suffers from prostate infections, which are apparently more common in dudes than one might think. They are like the yeast infection of the male world I guess, except not itchy and Monistat won’t do much, not to mention dudes have nowhere to stick a cream or ovule that would be helpful. Apparently, stress, lifting heavy loads, riding a bike, and all sorts of harmless activities can cause, well I’m not really sure how it all happens, but it does. I don’t really want to Google it, which I would with most anything else, but honestly I just don’t care to have the random knowledge behind prostate infections.


So Matt suffers through pussy butt for a couple days, goes in for his appointment for confirmation, much to my delight. To confirm or even just inspect the prostate requires a glove, lube and a one-finger salute up the old rectum.

Women have to endure all sorts of indignities, pap smears, cervical exams, birthing in front of total strangers, speculums. So I figure this is just a small, small taste of what I have gone through. Except it was better than that this time.

I had instructed Matt to call after his appointment.

So, yeah, it was my prostate.

 Ok, that’s nice, just meds and it’ll be all better?

 Yeah, and well, he gave me a prostate massage, which sounds much nicer than what it actually is. It’s like hell. It felt like it went on for 15 minutes; I thought I was going to puke.

 Oh, really, so you got a massage, that sounds awesome.

 No, it wasn’t. It was horrible. It hurt really bad, and I peed myself. And he said there’s really no way to prevent this, it just happens, more often to some people, and it’s been a year since my last one and if it happens again he’ll give me another massage because that usually clears things up. It’s not fun or relaxing. It’s the first massage I’ve ever gotten and it sucked.


At this point I’m dissolving in silent laughter. OMGeeeee you guys! Ok, ok, I’m getting a grip, hold on.


 Ok, so while your horrified, I would take pleasure in my husbands pain, it doesn’t make me happy, it’s just that all I can think off is how dogs have to have their anal glands evacuated. It’s so gross, but holy crap as part of a medical HUMAN procedure a doctor actually has to insert his finger into a butt and give a massage. I mean I guess for the $50 co-pay that might be a bargain for some people, but it sounds like something you’d have done over on the shady side of town.

Plus it’s like when dogs have their anal glands expressed, but on humans.

Come on, it’s funny.


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