Identity Disaster

I have this weird inability to obtain a normal I.D. picture. It’s like all the atoms and molecules that make up my being get all confused at the flash of light omitted by the DMV (or where ever I may be) camera and things, unnatural things, or just down right weird phenomena happen.

I actually don’t remember what my permit or drivers licenses picture issues were, but I do remember my first college I.D.


I looked all cute and dewy and fresh at 17. I completely and totally expected a great picture. Instead I got an I.D. that looked like it belonged to an Asian individual. Oddly yellowish toned skin, eyes that were crescent slits, my dark brown hair appeared black, and since this was pre-kids, I was pretty tiny. But I’m still not even a hint Asian, so this forgiener on my I.D. card was disturbing. Every time I had to show it, everyone had to do a double take and I always got the same line,

“Haha, you look so Chinese here!”

I mean what do you say to that?

It’s the high check bones, and I’d prefer Pacific Islander, thanks.

We move to Nashville and I got a new drivers license.

I had been cleaning the house and our insurance agent called to tell us we needed a Tennessee State license in order to keep our insurance. I think he bull shitting us, but we rushed out the door to get new ones.

We waited 2 hours with 2 kids (back before we had a herd of kids).

I looked at my license and about died. I had basically no make up on, my hair was disheveled, and since I was wearing a tube top, I appeared to be naked.

I was like someone had stolen Nick Nolte’s booking photos, except topless, and put them on a valid drivers license.


I hated showing it. I did get out of a speeding ticket, wherein I also had a broken tail light and did not have proof of insurance.

The cop thought the picture was hot. Uh, ewwww?

When we moved back to Kentucky, I went and got a new license. I was determined to obtain one with a presentable picture. In order to do so I had to relinquish the naked Tennessee license.

I shamefully handed it over, and then the entire office was called over to see it. It was on display for a bit at the local divers licensing location I went to.

I also got a new picture.

The office is in a strip mall, and the whole area the public has access in the actual office is just a long corridor directly in from the door. Every time the door is opened a gust of wind blows through. It happened to be a very blustery day.

Some guy came it right as the DMV photographer was hitting 2 in her count down, blowing my hair all around, and as she hit 3, the flash went off and the picture was done. I looked like I’d hadn’t brushed my hair, and my eyes were watery. Drunk Nick Nolte photo #2. However I did appear to have clothes on, so some improvement. Kinda Snookie esk.


I went back to school a few semesters ago and had to get a new student I.D. They wouldn’t let me use my old picture, even though I asked, because honestly who wouldn’t want to look like a glowy, skinny, 17 year old Asian given the choice.

Instead they made me take a new picture, sitting down. The girl also snapped it while I was answering some questions and looking at her. And my double chin made an appearance. My hair was mostly contained in a bun, but the side wisps are a little crazy.


So, I pretty looked like a chubby, confused, 2 sheets to the wind, version of that cute Asian girl. Like if Nick Nolte and Rosanne Barber had a kid. Although I bet that kid could be kinda awesome and super fun, albeit totally screw up.

This year my license expired back in January. I straightened my hair, I did my makeup, I wore clothes that came up to my neck, I was not going to have another Nick Nolte picture.

I handed over the old licence, listened as they listed off all my information, even was honest and corrected my weight (no, I’m not 123 pounds any more) in order to appease the picture Gods.

Everything aligned nothing went wrong, I was prepared for the flash, the door stayed closed, my hair stayed smoothed, I did the weird – chin out and up, forehead pushed forward- make your face skinny or at least double chin free– perfectly and managed a decent smile. I waited in anticipation for the drivers’ licenses picture of perfection.


So I pretty much look like one of those police sketch artist photos or anthropologist reconstruction wearing a wig. Damn it.

I’m not so sure the disheveled, naked license was so bad at this point.


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