Shit rolls down hill, or at least down the pant leg

I mentioned we had Teddy’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. I’m pretty surprised we dared to show our faces there ever again after…… the incident.

Last month, my best friend also had her sons birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. He turned 4, all my kids were invited, everyone had a grand drug sugar induced time, The End.

Except it wasn’t.

Alex had been going through a stage where he didn’t like to stop playing to go to the bathroom and properly evacuate his bowels in a hygienic matter. Basically, he’d poop his pants rather than stop, but then immediately demand you clean him up. He’s going to be a riot at the nursing home when he’s old.

So we had one of those instances. He played, he pooped, and not wanting to make the other 3 kids leave, I hauled his behind to the restroom. I made use of the sanitary napkin trash can to dispose of the underwear that I wasn’t about to put in my purse, hosed his little rear down, and basically did the best clean up job I could without drawing attention to our selves, even though Alex was screaming “NOooooooo MOmmmy Nooooo!” the whole time.

I made him sit on the potty and told him to finish pooping. He insisited he was done and we should go play more. Which we did, against my better judgement.

About 9 minutes later, while he’s coming down those alternating steps that are in a tower things that serve as a ladder, Reese blows by him and as she does she says the words, “something STINKS! I think Alex pooped in his pants.”

No, he did just a little bit ago, he probably smells from tha— Holy Crap NOOOOOOO!

If a 3 year has an idea of the concept of dignity, he gave a look like he knew he was loosing every ounce he had at the moment.

And then he pooped.

In his pants.

The ones where he wasn’t wearing underwear.

And he was hanging off one of the steps about to drop onto the one below.

And the poop was a little wet.

It made an audible plopping sounds as it rolled out of pant leg and landed on the lower step.

Matt had just come up beside me, which was lucky for everyone in the vicinity, because I was just done. My kid had just pooped in the play structure, in a very busy Chuck E. Cheese. My kid was that gross one that everyone talks about and is thankful their child never behaves like that.

I’m done. You can deal with him. I already cleaned up poop, and I might just give him away to anyone who wants a poop smelling kid because I’m that done.

Wait, what happened?

He just pooped, in the thing, like right there. It’s sitting right there, and it smells AWFUL!

Matt rushed Alex off while I contemplated what to do about the now contaminated playground equipment that was clamoring with kids who just kept looking at me like I was a moron when I kept saying “‘Careful there’s poop there. Someone pooped there.” It was like one of those science videos where they show how someone sneezes or wipes their nose, then touches a door handle leaving behind their germs, and then some unsuspecting person comes behind and touches the door handle, and the germs spread from one person and object to the next. Except it was with poop, that you could see, and not invisible germs.

Finally I turned to Reese and said:

Go up to the first employee you can find and tell them someone pooped on the playground. DO NOT TELL THEM IT WAS YOUR BROTHER, just tell them it was someone.

And then I slunk away back to the birthday party table where they had begun to open presents, where I watched out of the corner of my eye as parents began to gather around the poor boy whom the cashier girl had charged with the cleanup, because their kids, the same ones who gave me the stink eye when I told them to stay off, had poop on them.

I’m not entirely sure what all went down, but while Nate chatted with the guy who was cleaning the playground, the guy told him this wasn’t the worst he’d had to clean up. Some kid had slid down the slide, pant-less, and pooped the whole way down. And a bunch of kids went down the slide right behind him.

So, I guess the moral is, don’t play on the indoor playground equipment? Oh and my kid is not the worst playground pooper.

Hand Sanitizer emergency showers people. Theres got to be money to be made there.

I never claimed responsibility.


One thought on “Shit rolls down hill, or at least down the pant leg

  1. Pingback: Animal | Melissa Writes

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